As you may guess, my world was rocked by the news earlier this week that a friend had been murdered. I have been, for the past few days, a very difficult person to live with. I have not been very nice to certain sales clerks. I almost punched the lady who cut me off in the grocery store line. I yelled at my kids. Pity the lady at the bank that told me I couldn't meet with a personal banker without an appointment despite the fact that my debit card was mal-functioning and refusing to give me MY money (only because of one very astute branch manager am I still with that bank). I couldn't focus.
Let me tell you, that is not the way Pat would have wanted to see me. I knew that, but I could not figure this out. Why was I so upset? I mean beyond the grief of losing a friend ... what was wrong?
Last night figured it out. I am scared. How can this kind of violence enter into MY life?
I don't have friends who get murdered. I know people die. But they have heart attacks. They have cancer. They are in car accidents. They do NOT get shot in the head with a rifle at close range on their own property by a crazy neighbor while his wife and daughter are in the house.
It is too close. Now it is not some random person in the news. It is a friend of mine. And it didn't take much for me to imagine a scenario in which I could have easily been at the house at exactly the same time. I could have had my kids with me. I could be gone and my kids could be the ones without a parent.
Let me change that ... I am not scared. I am TERRIFIED. And now I am learning to live with a new normal. This kind of senseless and violent act is closer than I ever imagined.
Because of the circumstances, I have also lost any faith I had in the police department. As someone said to me the other day ... the police are no longer in the business of crime PREVENTION - they are too worried about how their actions will look to the world around them. THIS crime could have been prevented. One arrest. One "yes, I believe he threatened to kill you and your wife, let's take him in for questioning." Pat would still be with us. Instead, I now see the police as an after the fact crime mitigation and solving force.
My world has changed.
I liked it the old way.
2 comments:
I've seen a small part of that and I feel for you.
My friend's parents were murdered in their home. The police's best suspect? Not the business manager who offered a lowball bit on the business with the month. Not the business manager who sent threatening letters to the children. Nope, the son-in-law was their best suspect and it was gut wrentching to watch.
sending hugs and tissues but have no advice or comfort for your new normal.
Oh Pat! I'm so sorry and sending hugs your way. I hope you find a way to work through this and find some comfort in your family. Grief hits us in all kinds of way and yes, anger is a big part of it. It takes time to work through it, so give yourself that. One thing something like does, any death, is make us think. Yes it is good to be aware and prepared for what happens to your family is you are taken away from them. But you can't do the what if it had happened to me thing. You can't let it immobilize you.
Unfortunately our society is getting to the point where the police are only available after the fact. We all have to protect our own and be proactive when it comes to that.
I hope you find some peace. *hugs*
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